Contemplating

The past few nights I have really not gotten much sleep. I'm terribly tired right now. I've been active since 9am today and it's now 1:40am tomorrow! I'm very tired. Just... can't get any sleep. So, instead, I've been thinking about stuff. About everything, really.
About my recent entrance into the 'overweight' classification and the consequences. Clothes not fitting, thighs rubbing worse than before, the feeling that everyone is judging me by the prominent gut that has always competed with my breasts for sticking farther out and is now winning, the feelings of shame that I can't control myself and that no one can be attracted to me now except my ex husband who always loved my curves and unfortunately the curves on other women.
I have been scrutinizing myself. My BPD symptoms. Wondering whether I'm managing my diagnoses(plural) well enough or not trying hard enough.
I feel like I'm not doing as much as I should for other people and charitable organizations. I don't have any money or time to contribute. What do I have now to validate my worth as a person?
I've been very troubled by the, shall we say, "abnormal" relationship I have with my "boyfriend". If I didn't see his occasional posts on facebook I would doubt that I had any sort of relationship with him at all. Like everything he has said to me and every moment we've spent together in the past year was a figment of my imagination. Like I have tricked myself using the interaction I had with him in junior high, high school and church activities. I wouldn't put it past me to make this up.
He never spends time with me, always has an excuse. We hardly talk even though we both prefer texting and MSN to phone calls and the like. When I need him, he sucks at making me feel better, or he's not talking at all. I truly care about him but I can't just sit around waiting for him, can I? Would it be so wrong to allow myself to develop friendships with other men and perhaps spend time with these other men?
I'm going to be old and fat and wrinkly by the time my so-called-boyfriend makes another date with me.
I don't even want to bother ranting about school. Just know that I'm having a really sucky time.
In eight hours I "get to" serve in the nursery with 3 other adults and 12 youngsters. It's gonna take a while to get used to this blessing.

I'm gonna try again to sleep. If I'm unsuccessful I'll play games on myYearbook so I can contribute lunch money to Causes.