It's Been A While

I don't know how long it has been since I've last written on this blog but I'd rather not glance at the last thing. Many, if not all, of my posts are quite disturbing and/or depressing. I don't think this one will be so bad. While I'm on the topic of my blog... Why did I have 21 views from Russia on March 27th? That seems incredibly odd to me, even considering it's Russia! Anyway, my life is not awesome right now. It's so unstable. I was diagnosed with Chlamydia a while ago at Planned Parenthood. I have run out of safe excuses to get a ride to or from that clinic so I decided to have the student clinic at UVU get my PP records so that a doctor there can prescribe the treatment. Planned Parenthood legally has 30 days from the date they receive the request for my records to send them. Meanwhile, I'm reeeally uncomfortable and can't have sex!! I'm keeping up in my Excel/Access class but English is bad! A couple weeks ago I was holding a C grade but I feel that I may not pass with a C- by the time final grades are submitted. I have been unable to do any English homework in the past two weeks because I've been dealing with my sister's problems. More on that later. I have an Incomplete grade for Personal Finance from last semester because I was overwhelmed but my teacher understood that I had really tried. Now it is difficult for me to get him to reply to my emails. Besides a giant project for that class, I just have to study up to take some quizzes and tests. I can't go forward with that until I can make arrangements with him to do the tests and quizzes and not worry about the project because that is what is preventing my success! Back to my sister. She moved from Phoenix, AZ to Fort Duchesne, UT in December (2014) with her 4 kids (daughters ages 15, 12, and 9; son age 9). The twins are both autistic. Soon after moving to Utah she announced her engagement to someone we have never met or even knew she was dating. Shortly after, they got married. They lived in a small camper trailer on the in-law's property and one day there was a brawl between my sister and her new sister-in-law. Shit happened. It sucked. My oldest niece (in that clan) even got cut by glass. My sister fled with her kids to our grandmother's house nearby and stayed there (sans husband) for a few weeks before coming down to the area where I live with our mom. That was a little over two weeks ago. She stayed a few nights in a roach motel courtesy of an organization which assists impoverished families and individuals. After that she had to crash in the living room where I am staying for a few nights. She took the kids to visit her husband for a night and that royally pissed off the homeowners so my mom had to pay for an extended stay hotel, where she is now. While she's been down here I have been responsible for her kids, helping her navigate to every government office and apartment/trailer park in the area, and providing her with information on every thing she needs to do (phone numbers, office hours, eligibility requirements, calling places for her)... Those are the big issues that are on my mind. I can't even make plans more than an hour in advance because I just don't know whether or not I'll be needed for something. This thoroughly blows. I guess that was a bit of a rant but there's really nothing good going on in my life. I'm even kinda pissed that suicide is not an option.

I Can't Be Successful

I was feeling proactive a couple minutes ago, browsing job openings through Utah.gov when I found a listing for a "Teacher Assistant/Preschool Aide", detailed as follows:

Teacher Assistant / Preschool Aide is needed for a Lehi educational institute. 1 position available @ 6 hours per day; $8.37 an hour; beginning December 10, 2012, Non-contract, No benefits. Provides assistance to teachers and administrators in the daily operation of the schools. Performs assigned tasks such as monitoring student assignments, data entry, grading papers, reviewing homework, filing, copying, sorting, answering phones, and other assignments. Works one-on-one or with groups of students. Substitutes for teachers and assists in maintaining order in the classrooms. Maintains a reserve of prepared material to be able to take over in an emergency. May record student activity like attendance, sick student processing and other office assignments. Qualification: Must have high school diploma or equivalent. The school requests that this individual have the ability to communicate effectively with students, parents, faculty and staff, have the ability to get along well with others, have good organizational skills, and be able to work under stressful situations. Word processing skills, computer skills, telephone skills, filing experience preferred. Must be able to substitute on a regular basis.

I thought that sounded great! Then I got hung up on the fact that my oral health is quite off-putting to others, which is a big reason nobody hires me to work directly with people.
I had a plan. I had x-rays done at a great clinic in Provo and after 3 surgeries(one for extractions, one for bottom root canals and crowns, and another for top root canals and crowns) I would get to have partial dentures made. I would finally have my pretty smile! That was in August right before I quit working at Teleperformance. I had to cancel the first surgery and let them know that I had left my job and didn't know when I'd have money for the procedures.
If I go through Vocational Rehabilitation to have the dental work done, the most I can hope for are extractions and possibly root canals and crowns non-sedated, no replacement teeth. I'm too depressed to even ask for the help. I wouldn't even want to get involved in something that I couldn't afford transportation for. I don't get my student loan or bus pass until January.
Everything will be better then. I'll have a new laptop for academic and leisurely pursuits, money to buy groceries and gas for myself and to help my parents a little.
I have a follow-up appointment with my case worker at Wasatch Mental Health's Wellness Recovery Clinic to work on my Workforce Services case to get Medicaid and food assistance.
On Friday I have an appointment with my intern therapist, Joan. My main homework from last time was to work on diaphragmatic breathing exercises. I did good for a few days after the last session but have since forgotten. I will double-check my notes from two weeks ago to see if there's anything else I can do to look good when I see her again.
Next Monday my mom and I get to pick up more food from Community Action's food bank. On November 5th(our second time there) the worker who authorizes families to receive assistance said we could only come once a month for the next three months(Nov, Dec, Jan) and not sure what she said about after that!

Last night the president(Emma C.) and first counselor(Elayna B.) in the Relief Society Presidency of my Young Single Adult ward came to check on me since I haven't been seen in about a month. Our ward raised $16,000 at an auction they ran to benefit families in the Timpview Stake for Christmas. Apparently tonight and possibly the next couple Mondays we'll be shopping and putting together packages of gifts for families in need. I know it sounds petty, but I don't think I'll be able to bear that sort of thing; shopping for Christmas gifts and not getting anything in return. Maybe blessings, but my distaste for my YSA ward could get me in more trouble than any blessings would get me out of. My faith is staggering.

Sorry for the sourness all the time.
On the upside, Jackie is moving back to Lehi as I type! She is 2 1/2 years old and has been gone for nearly one year, taken away by Kenzie and her dad. For the majority of this time she has been living in Maine with Kenzie and her grandmother. We all got to Skype with her ONCE when she was mostly distracted by her pizza.
They left Maine yesterday afternoon and stayed the night in Albany, NY and plan to stay in Toledo, OH tonight.
Kenzie is gonna let us watch Jackie at our place while she and the grandma get settled.
And on that note I bid you ado.

Story of my life [imported from Myspace]

Alright, I told people I'd write about my Friday so here we go.

I had been planning this night for a month. I was supposed to babysit for Krista, who Brett has been living with. I convinced him to sit with me. Then it all came down to gametime and while he was making dinner(mac&&cheese). I took the kids out to "the yellow park" and when we got back he had his music blasting and was doing something out of sight. So I don't even worry about it, I just get the kids fed since I was there for them, not him.
Anyway, when he came around he stuck a CD in the DVD player and started loading up various bebe guns with those little pellets and aiming at odd targets in the kitchen.
Pretty wild, really. Except he said that he had to go at (insert time here). And so he was gone.
This was supposed to be our time together after the kids were out of the way. We were supposed to just be alone and he was supposed to hold me. We didn't even hold hands or hug.
Now he might be moving back with his family because his ma talked to him and made him feel guilty or something. And they live more than 30 miles from here. Whereas the place he's living right now is just a few miles.
We never get to hang out as it is between me working and me having anxiety/anti-social episodes. It sucks.