Do You Feel Safe?

That's something I get asked often when I am experiencing deep, violent depression. And right now the answer is "not as safe as I'd like to feel". It's like I'm in a paintball battlefield and just barely dodging shots, taking temporary refuge behind a junk car or small boulder.

I took my probiotic supplement and Citalopram(Celexa) today. I still want to be accepted for inpatient treatment.
One of the ER doctors who got stuck with me(October 31st, 2012 at Timpanogos Regional Hospital) authorized me to take Clonazepam(Klonopin) twice daily to get rid of the harmful thoughts until I could see my regular medication prescriber to discuss adjustments. Well I had that appointment on November 6th and no changes were made. Then I saw my therapist, Joan, on the following Friday and it was only reiterated that I knew how to stay safe, call CRISIS or go to an ER if I didn't, etc.

This is awful.

Lately I often picture in my head wearing the patient clothing that some hospitals give their psych patients to wear during their stay, wandering around a nearly deserted ward in the middle of the night, staying out of sight of the nurses on watch, and because I'm so dramatic I have an IV bag hanging on one of those wheely things dripping liquid into my pale arm(or rather the veins inside).

It's really hard that nobody really reads my blog. Nobody knows or cares about my pain.
I'm not screaming for help; that didn't work for three days straight when I tried recently.

It's more like I'm sobbing and whimpering.