Nothing But Blood and Tears.

I've got a fresh cut on my arm. I think it's to punish everyone who hurts me.
I had plans to take Jackie with me to a progressive dinner tonight which would be hosted by three of BYU's museums. Tickets were required by free and available at the door. Then I read this morning that tickets were all taken. So I resolved to take Jackie to the Museum of Paleontology during the day instead. Right on!
Mom said we couldn't go until she had a chance to ask my dad if he wanted to take her anywhere today. [me: I don't appreciate her making my present-but-absent dad a priority]. She said we could just go tomorrow if they ended up going out today.
Strike 1.

When we get home from picking up Jackie Dad is showering. And when he's dressed he makes plans with Mom to taker her and Jackie to a buffet where they get an old person discount.
While I'm putting Jackie's freshly brushed hair into pigtails she moves past silly and starts scratching and biting me. I try to insist that her behavior not be rewarded with a trip out with her grandma and grandpa but Mom wrangles Jackie into a coat and out the door saying that I get a break! [me: awww you shouldn't! Seriously, you shouldn't reward her behavior. Make her stay home!]
Strike 2.

I proceed to turn over the end table next to me that is covered in hair accessories and who-knows-what. As I storm off, I have to go back to get my iPad and jacket (with phone in pocket) and take the liberty of knocking over Jackie's little plastic lawn table covered in plastic food. At the landing by the front door is Jackie's little backpack of toys and snacks, so that has to be thrown, too.
Once in my room I slam the door, lock it and start crying aggressively on my bed and grab a razor from the top drawer next to my bed and push the razor hard into my arm. Of course that does diddly squat so I cut myself properly and then again in the same line to get some blood.
I'm crying so hard and it isn't even cathartic. I'm just angry and messed up and there is no way to help people treat me better. Anyone who knows me can attest that I'm kind and giving and warm and loving. So why the hell doesn't the Golden Rule work here? Did I forget to sign up for that plan in Heaven? Did I miss open enrollment?

Shortly after I stopped crying, and while writing this entry, my brother came down.
"I couldn't help but overhear, with my ear to my door, that you yelled something about scratching and biting. Is there blood?"
"Not from Jackie."
"Are you okay? Do you need a noogie machine?"
"For Jackie?"
"Yeah."
"...doesn't matter..."
"Okay, let me know if you need anything."

So then I started crying all over again, because I love my brother so much. Despite his lack of affection, he really does love me.

I can't believe people in my condition can't get proper care.
See this great article from Cracked.com about what's wrong with America's mental healthcare system.

Homicidal with a side of Calm

2pm: Catherine asks me to take her dog for a few months. My dad was never fond of taking in visitors, even before his worst changes. My mom wouldn't even weigh in on the dog issue and suggested that I could at least ask my dad. 
2:10: Gently, gingerly, explain to my dad that a long-time friend needs me to take her dog for a couple months. 
"No," he butts in before I get any farther. 
"But you didn't even hear the details." I contest. "It will stay outside except at night when it goes in a kennel and she's paying for everything it needs." 
After some silence, "Well?" I probe. 
"Are you done?" he confirms. 
"Yeah." 
"No." 
"Why not?" 
"No." 
"So you don't have a reason?" 
"We're conversing and I didn't want that!" 
"You say you love us but you really don't show it." 
"I'm done." And he leaves in a huff (after pushing through my legs to get past the desk). 

I recounted the conversation to my mom and stressed that he needs to be taken into treatment against his will or at least have a family intervention. She doesn't support that idea. 
I ran downstairs crying and took away the power cable and Ethernet connection from my dad's computer (when he left he took laundry to the laundromat because he refused any sort of solution to our broken washing machine), then warned my mom to prepare for Hell. She asked what was wrong and I screamed in my rare demon voice (just sounds that way because I was so loud and angry), "Nothing! We have perfect fucking lives!" I proceeded to slam my bedroom door, lock it and lose my shit (tears, hair pulling, snot nose, uncontrollable sobbing noises). 
My mom came downstairs to check on me and apparently only cared that I try to hurt myself. 
I kept screaming at her to go away. I don't even remember the conversation. It is now 2:50pm. 

While she was running errands this morning I sent her a cute "I miss you" text and she just barely got it after all the screaming!!! She replied "I miss you, too. Want me to come talk to you?" 
I ignored the message and she came down anyway so I had to explain that I sent that while she was gone this morning!!!! 

I don't know what Dad is going to do when he sees that I have interfered with his cozy hidey hole. Heaven forbid he have a conversation that he's not comfortable with!

I want to kill my dad, then Mom will get Social Security survivors benefits and I can take care of Catherine's dog. 
AND YET I still can't get inpatient help for myself. Not in Utah, anyway. 

PS

I fucking suck at harming myself.
Nobody ever takes me seriously.

Not Really A Merry Christmas

I'm feeling homicidal. I don't wanna kill just anyone. It would have to be *Petrov.
I intentionally overdosed on Klonopin (my as-needed anxiety medication). I only have a couple pills left now and no refills. I don't have a doctor right now so hopefully the next kook I see will give me a prescription for them.
I'm listening to The Used now on iHeartRadio. Except "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance just came on but I like it so no problem. I forgot stations weren't strict to their artists.
I'm going to draw a scary picture or two. Art therapy, right? I really need to find a new place to help me with my mental illnesses. FUCK INSURANCE NOT COVERING MENTAL HEALTH CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And FUCK MY SCHOOL'S STUDENT HEALTH PROGRAM FOR NOT HAVING ADEQUATE SUPPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK THE INCREDIBLY LIMITED AVAILABILITY OF INPATIENT CARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last time I went to the ER with suicidal and homicidal plans they sent me home with nothing but empty promises. If I cut myself up right now it would only upset my family and friends and hospital workers would just suggest I call the CRISIS line next time or hitchhike my fat ass to the CRISIS center in Provo.
"Merry Christmas you fucking tart."

Let's see if I can poop out some scary therapeutic drawing. Wish me luck, I guess.

Fucking Paradise

I have to tell myself that self injury will not do a blessed thing to improve my situation. Then again, I have control over the method, severity, etc if I hurt myself. I have control over so little in my life, with no car or license, no job, no "dependents" or significant other, or pets.
I have no control over how my dad treats his family, myself included. I can't even decide on the most adequate adjective for him.
How do I even process my emotions?

#$%&^%!@*^@%&*%$##!@**^$@!@#%&*(**&&^%^@!@$^*%^#^##@@#

I can't fucking process it!

More later.



Maybe.

confession

I talk in pink and this other guy talks in blue.


Friday, May 18th, 2012

I found out recently that you had been pursuing another woman and that crushed me

Oh, referring to my Facebook post?

Yeah

ok.

If that's all you have to say, I'm going to sleep

What am I supposed to say?

It doesn't matter, because, I'm asleep now.

Why are you so determined to be with me?

Zzzzzzz

Whatever. Forget I messaged you. Is not like you haven't been looking for other people too.

I've been looking because I know I can't be with you

Then stop bring all butt hurt...you're so damn clingy...

I will cut you bitch

No, you won't.

And now Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012

Do you feel better after threatening me?

I would never really do that. I've never threatened anyone before. I'm sorry about that.

Sure

:'(

I won't date you

I knew that long before I was homicidal

Ok

I need Monopoly back, btw

K

Enjoy fooling around with your friend that gives you stds

The reason I'm telling you this, is that tonight I took a too-hot bath and was afraid to ever get out because I thought it very possible that I'd frantically search for my razor blades when I got back to my room.

I think I'm just too exhausted for all that nonsense tonight.

Also, I think I could benefit from some inpatient time at my local psychiatric hospital but I'm 9 months short of qualifying for personal or medical leave at work.

What's the term for having the desire to cut another person's face to ribbons with a broken Sprite bottle? That's not the sort of thing I'd post on Yahoo! Answers. 

Crazy Lady Tests

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Moderate
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

Disorder	Your Score
Major Depression:	Very High
Dysthymia:	High-Moderate
Bipolar Disorder:	High
Cyclothymia:	Very High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:	Extremely High
Postpartum Depression:	N/A
Take the Depression Test

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion |||||||||||| 50% Stability |||||||||| 36% Orderliness |||||||||||| 50% Accommodation |||||||||||||||| 70% Intellectual |||||| 30% Interdependence |||||||||||||||| 70% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Materialism |||||||||| 40% Narcissism |||| 20% Adventurousness |||| 20% Work ethic |||||||||||||| 60% Conflictseeking |||||| 30% Need to dominate |||||||||| 40% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||| 40% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||| 80%

Wealth || 10% Dependency |||||||||||||||| 70% Change averse |||||||||||| 50% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||||| 50% Sexuality |||||||||||| 50% Peter pancomplex |||||||||| 40% Histrionic |||| 20% Vanity |||||| 30% Artistic |||||||||| 40% Hedonism || 10% Physicalfitness |||||| 30% Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Paranoia |||||| 30% Hypersensitivity |||||||||| 36% Indie |||||| 30%

  Take Free Advanced Global Personality  Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com

Apprehensive

1:50pm
I leave in 10 minutes to go to my first ever Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group at Wasatch Mental Health. Most of their groups are open to all clients but this one is invite-only and very seldom has room for new people. I feel fat and worthless though I know deep down that I am a cherished Child of God.
I just realized I have to pee! I'll cut this short and maybe finish when I get home!

4:50pm
Stuffing my face with a Little Debbie Swiss Roll. I'm waiting for my mom to come home with Kenzie and Jackie. They will be staying for about 3 weeks. Mom is picking them up at the Greyhound station now.
I miss Jackie so much. She will be 15 months old on Monday(August 1st). I'm not thrilled about having Kenzie around. She's a typical 16 year old mother. Immature. Feels "entitled" to everything. Wrong ideas about the world and parenting.
Oh, and she's going to be staying in the room across the hall from mine.
I wonder if Jackie will remember me. Or love me. Or be the same sweet child that left us in May.
From the pictures and videos we've seen since then, she is not that same child. Kenzie and her dad(Jackie's other Grandpa) are not so nurturing or careful about what the baby is exposed to as far as television shows, bad language, second-hand smoke, etc. We think that might have affected our sweet Jackie.

I'm sorry if this all sounds whiney or snobby. I don't mean it like that. But this is MY BLOG, after all.

Contemplating

The past few nights I have really not gotten much sleep. I'm terribly tired right now. I've been active since 9am today and it's now 1:40am tomorrow! I'm very tired. Just... can't get any sleep. So, instead, I've been thinking about stuff. About everything, really.
About my recent entrance into the 'overweight' classification and the consequences. Clothes not fitting, thighs rubbing worse than before, the feeling that everyone is judging me by the prominent gut that has always competed with my breasts for sticking farther out and is now winning, the feelings of shame that I can't control myself and that no one can be attracted to me now except my ex husband who always loved my curves and unfortunately the curves on other women.
I have been scrutinizing myself. My BPD symptoms. Wondering whether I'm managing my diagnoses(plural) well enough or not trying hard enough.
I feel like I'm not doing as much as I should for other people and charitable organizations. I don't have any money or time to contribute. What do I have now to validate my worth as a person?
I've been very troubled by the, shall we say, "abnormal" relationship I have with my "boyfriend". If I didn't see his occasional posts on facebook I would doubt that I had any sort of relationship with him at all. Like everything he has said to me and every moment we've spent together in the past year was a figment of my imagination. Like I have tricked myself using the interaction I had with him in junior high, high school and church activities. I wouldn't put it past me to make this up.
He never spends time with me, always has an excuse. We hardly talk even though we both prefer texting and MSN to phone calls and the like. When I need him, he sucks at making me feel better, or he's not talking at all. I truly care about him but I can't just sit around waiting for him, can I? Would it be so wrong to allow myself to develop friendships with other men and perhaps spend time with these other men?
I'm going to be old and fat and wrinkly by the time my so-called-boyfriend makes another date with me.
I don't even want to bother ranting about school. Just know that I'm having a really sucky time.
In eight hours I "get to" serve in the nursery with 3 other adults and 12 youngsters. It's gonna take a while to get used to this blessing.

I'm gonna try again to sleep. If I'm unsuccessful I'll play games on myYearbook so I can contribute lunch money to Causes.