I Hate Me

I am 24 years old.
I have stretch marks
and scars
everywhere.
I've never been pregnant.

condescending

My mother really picks at me sometimes. Well, often.
There are two main issues that she gives me a lot of... "encouragement" about. I say that so carefully because I know she must mean well but the things she says actually make me feel terrible and resentful.
Today we got on the topic of my church non-attendance because I had neglected to pay tithing from my most recent paycheck and told I would try to pay it with my next check.
It surely struck her as appropriate to nag at me to attend meetings at the local singles ward to find my soul mate. She doesn't care too much for me meeting guys online. After all, they're not LDS! Oh, and they could be creepers, too.
I am more active in the LDS church than any of her other five children so why can't she just be thankful for that? She doesn't even know that I'm bisexual, sexually active, or have no aversion to getting a second, third or fourth tattoo!
On another note, she's incredibly judgmental about my weight and food choices.
I eat a lot of junk, I've gained a lot of weight. I GET IT. She doesn't want to see me activating the diabetes that is likely lingering in my body somewhere.
I already feel bad enough about binging and not being able to wear 90% of the clothes I own. If I had any need to please my mother I'd have a severe eating disorder by now.


I wonder if she's noticed that my last period was in March. Yeah, it concerns me. At this point I chalk it up to my weight, and a little bit to the stress of my job, life, etc.


This is where I'll cut off my post today.
Actually, I'm starting a new group therapy that focuses on making behavioral/cognitive changes to support weight loss. I mayyy keep you posted on that.

fatty deposits

I'm kinda depressed. And you'll never ever guess what it is this time.

(It's cuz I'm fat.)

I'm going on a secret date tomorrow.

(He's not LDS, or white, and LOVES SEX)

So I'm trying to pick out something to wear. And it was really upsetting that my Plan W didn't fit. It's a tee shirt that I got with a special order of AAR's Move Along(2005) and due to a mistake I got a shirt that would fit two of me. Now it fits really tight. Displays every curve as if I wasn't wearing anything at all.

I ended up with a humongo tee and flannel shirt from my collection of clothing that Kenzie left here. And the humongo shirt fits me decently. It doesn't really hide anything, though.

So now I'm listening to my whole Eminem collection.

(after downloading a discography and deleting the stuff that I ended up not liking there are 11 songs left)

I have to take three buses to get to Sandy to meet Mike. It'll take 2 hours from the time I catch the first bus to the time I get off the third.

Also, I don't have a doorknob on my bedroom door right now. Eric took off the old one to put in a new one that locks with a key but we lost part of it.

I wanna scream.

[When you click image #s 1,2,4, and 5 they get BIGGER]

thblablah..

I need to get this out. It's supposed to be therapeutic, right? I've been holding onto these thoughts for days, possibly weeks. Also, I've been neglecting my blog. Even though nobody reads it, it's still good to record stuff. Journaling and all that shiz.

Anyway, lately my mom has been inadvertently making me feel like worthless crap. I don't remember exactly when I started gaining weight but I'm 211 now. Ideal for my height is 150. I'm clinically overweight by all definitions. It shows terribly in my stomach, thighs, and arms(shoulder to elbow, not elbow to wrist). My cute clothes barely fit(if at all), some clothes fit comfortably, and I've recently acquired some stuff that is big enough to smuggle a Mexican family under. I've started to wonder if my size is why my new beau doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, though he has no problem fooling around and whatnot. GAH! Should I give Steve a chance then? He says he loves me but I've never let myself consider him as a viable mate since he's not LDS and his lifestyle is soo not church-friendly. He's busy, though... always wrapped up in helping someone move or tending to a distraught friend and he works full-time.

Back to my weight problem. I can't stop eating. My addiction(or whatever the hell is wrong with me) seems to be getting worse. I feel accomplished if I can make a pound of Red Vines last two days. I feel good about eating Pay Days because "peanuts are healthy, and there's no chocolate". I took pictures of my head/face last night because I had done my makeup for a night out and it was then that I noticed that I have more fat in my face than before. I still haven't gotten the courage to post them online. Well I suppose this is as good a place as any to start...

 WHY CAN'T I PLACE THEM SIDE-BY-SIDE? (╥﹏╥) I would say that I'm having a rough life... but there are millions dying from diseases in other countries so... I'm rather unhappy about my circumstances! How's that?

I forgot how good it feels to blog, even if no one is reading I love to write.

Fat.

While I was in the bathtub today I noticed something. Actually it's been haunting me terribly lately how much weight I've gained. I know I've always had "extra". But it's gotten ridiculous. I'm 5' 9" and dangerously close to 200 lbs. It's getting much harder to conceal my tummy. In the grocery store today my mom and brother remarked how I "don't care what other people think", because they both prefer loose shirts and sometimes, more often than I'd like, my shirts don't hide the size of my belly.

Back to the tub, I was noticing more stretch marks on my thighs. I've always had them, since puberty hit, but there are more now. On my thighs, hips, tummy and even a couple on my upper arms. Never any on my breasts. Those don't grow.

I haven't heard from Trevor for a week now. After about 5 days I thought maybe my phone was to blame. Because it has refused to send or receive texts with a certain different person before. Then I emailed him. No luck yet. :(

Contemplating

The past few nights I have really not gotten much sleep. I'm terribly tired right now. I've been active since 9am today and it's now 1:40am tomorrow! I'm very tired. Just... can't get any sleep. So, instead, I've been thinking about stuff. About everything, really.
About my recent entrance into the 'overweight' classification and the consequences. Clothes not fitting, thighs rubbing worse than before, the feeling that everyone is judging me by the prominent gut that has always competed with my breasts for sticking farther out and is now winning, the feelings of shame that I can't control myself and that no one can be attracted to me now except my ex husband who always loved my curves and unfortunately the curves on other women.
I have been scrutinizing myself. My BPD symptoms. Wondering whether I'm managing my diagnoses(plural) well enough or not trying hard enough.
I feel like I'm not doing as much as I should for other people and charitable organizations. I don't have any money or time to contribute. What do I have now to validate my worth as a person?
I've been very troubled by the, shall we say, "abnormal" relationship I have with my "boyfriend". If I didn't see his occasional posts on facebook I would doubt that I had any sort of relationship with him at all. Like everything he has said to me and every moment we've spent together in the past year was a figment of my imagination. Like I have tricked myself using the interaction I had with him in junior high, high school and church activities. I wouldn't put it past me to make this up.
He never spends time with me, always has an excuse. We hardly talk even though we both prefer texting and MSN to phone calls and the like. When I need him, he sucks at making me feel better, or he's not talking at all. I truly care about him but I can't just sit around waiting for him, can I? Would it be so wrong to allow myself to develop friendships with other men and perhaps spend time with these other men?
I'm going to be old and fat and wrinkly by the time my so-called-boyfriend makes another date with me.
I don't even want to bother ranting about school. Just know that I'm having a really sucky time.
In eight hours I "get to" serve in the nursery with 3 other adults and 12 youngsters. It's gonna take a while to get used to this blessing.

I'm gonna try again to sleep. If I'm unsuccessful I'll play games on myYearbook so I can contribute lunch money to Causes.

letting off boredom

I don't have internet access right now. Sorry that I haven't been posting. I'm in Roosevelt, UT with my mom, Grandma, and various other family members.
It's been pretty nice, actually. I've left most of my stressors at home. I haven't had to worry about appointments, mental health groups, tutoring sessions, or pesky housemates. The people I'm around here are darn-right bearable!
I really miss my boyfriend. But it's not like I would have seen him any more if I had stayed home. He texted recently to ask if I was home, apparently because he had an idea to cheer me up. I hadn't spoken to him or left any clues recently to tip off any sort of problem. But he figured that he should do something for me, just on the off chance that I needed him.
I wish it were easier for me to spend time with him and make natural conversation and not be a total Nucklehead McSpazzatron! I wish relationships weren't such hard work.
 
All this wishing is utterly pointless. I have a rough idea of how to get what I want in life. And I'm pretty much working to make it all happen. I need God's help and I've told asked Him so many times. I'm trying to deserve it.

I'm so fat and cold and white.

</blog>