condescending

My mother really picks at me sometimes. Well, often.
There are two main issues that she gives me a lot of... "encouragement" about. I say that so carefully because I know she must mean well but the things she says actually make me feel terrible and resentful.
Today we got on the topic of my church non-attendance because I had neglected to pay tithing from my most recent paycheck and told I would try to pay it with my next check.
It surely struck her as appropriate to nag at me to attend meetings at the local singles ward to find my soul mate. She doesn't care too much for me meeting guys online. After all, they're not LDS! Oh, and they could be creepers, too.
I am more active in the LDS church than any of her other five children so why can't she just be thankful for that? She doesn't even know that I'm bisexual, sexually active, or have no aversion to getting a second, third or fourth tattoo!
On another note, she's incredibly judgmental about my weight and food choices.
I eat a lot of junk, I've gained a lot of weight. I GET IT. She doesn't want to see me activating the diabetes that is likely lingering in my body somewhere.
I already feel bad enough about binging and not being able to wear 90% of the clothes I own. If I had any need to please my mother I'd have a severe eating disorder by now.


I wonder if she's noticed that my last period was in March. Yeah, it concerns me. At this point I chalk it up to my weight, and a little bit to the stress of my job, life, etc.


This is where I'll cut off my post today.
Actually, I'm starting a new group therapy that focuses on making behavioral/cognitive changes to support weight loss. I mayyy keep you posted on that.

thblablah..

I need to get this out. It's supposed to be therapeutic, right? I've been holding onto these thoughts for days, possibly weeks. Also, I've been neglecting my blog. Even though nobody reads it, it's still good to record stuff. Journaling and all that shiz.

Anyway, lately my mom has been inadvertently making me feel like worthless crap. I don't remember exactly when I started gaining weight but I'm 211 now. Ideal for my height is 150. I'm clinically overweight by all definitions. It shows terribly in my stomach, thighs, and arms(shoulder to elbow, not elbow to wrist). My cute clothes barely fit(if at all), some clothes fit comfortably, and I've recently acquired some stuff that is big enough to smuggle a Mexican family under. I've started to wonder if my size is why my new beau doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, though he has no problem fooling around and whatnot. GAH! Should I give Steve a chance then? He says he loves me but I've never let myself consider him as a viable mate since he's not LDS and his lifestyle is soo not church-friendly. He's busy, though... always wrapped up in helping someone move or tending to a distraught friend and he works full-time.

Back to my weight problem. I can't stop eating. My addiction(or whatever the hell is wrong with me) seems to be getting worse. I feel accomplished if I can make a pound of Red Vines last two days. I feel good about eating Pay Days because "peanuts are healthy, and there's no chocolate". I took pictures of my head/face last night because I had done my makeup for a night out and it was then that I noticed that I have more fat in my face than before. I still haven't gotten the courage to post them online. Well I suppose this is as good a place as any to start...

 WHY CAN'T I PLACE THEM SIDE-BY-SIDE? (╥﹏╥) I would say that I'm having a rough life... but there are millions dying from diseases in other countries so... I'm rather unhappy about my circumstances! How's that?

I forgot how good it feels to blog, even if no one is reading I love to write.

It's not even raining [imported from Myspace]

I have had the most horrible weekend.

I'v been sick since right before Dusitn left and I'm just not getting better.
Most recently I've been malnourished. Pretty much everything I eat will either go straight to my bowels, put a mighty pain in my stomach, or both.

And forget about sleeping.
My room is a disaster and colder than a nervous groom's feet.
I've been sleeping downstairs in the Family room but that's become the epicenter of our cleaning party. Plus my stupid hamster is in there makin' noises that tempt me to throw him across the room at the wall. But I mustn't.
That leaves me sleeping on the couch upstairs. Which means that I get woken up when my parents get ready for work and they are so loud! Then when I finally get to sleep after they leave I only get a few hours of quiet before Eric comes in and tries to hang out with me. I don't care if he's lonely and bored, I ain't gettin' up to play around.

Yesterday my dad bought these fancy "5.1" speakers for my brother's room and got Eric's old ones in exchange I believe. So now no matter where I go in the house I have to hear something that drives me bonkers.
I am at my wit's end! It wouldn't be so bad if I had options for where I spend my time but I don't.
I wouldn't feel right getting an apartment before Dustin gets home or else I would.
If there's anyone in my area, ya know within about 10-15 miles and wants to board a lonely Army wife please let me know. I can pay rent ^^)

If anyone wants to write to Dustin, even if you don't know him personally, he would still really appreciate it! I can give you his address if you want to send a letter. Or if you want to type a letter to him and email it to me I'll print it and send it on.
I can tell by now that I'm going to have a several month long, unmedicated Depression. It's Senior year all over again. I need to go into my doctor and ask about trying a new medication. I'm so done with my Zoloft. I wonder if they have anti-depressant patches. I love patches.
Also need to get a tooth pulled.
But I'm not going to rack up any more medical bills until I have my current ones all payed off. I'm just barely getting mine from December payed off. One urinalysis has cost me around $500.
I'm so glad to know that I'm not pregnant.
Plus with all my problems eating I've lost weight. I'm about 160 now. I haven't even been trying to lose weight. Karlee told me to start eating because I was skinny before and now I'm gonna waste away. Riiiight.

Okay, leave me some comments please.
Peace out.