Ongoing Shitfest

Of all the things in my life that are terrible and out of my control, this week takes the cake. Dirt cake maybe?

A quick catch-up for the random international readers I seem to have:
My dear mother bought a home in a small town to live in with my younger brother and I (in this economy, it's an arrangement that has suited us fine in other places). My homeless sister and her four children moved into the basement apartment.
Right before Christmas, my older brother and his fiancee and her two children moved in to get away from an unhealthy situation and squeezed into the basement until we could make room for mattresses and sleeping bags in our living room, which had been holding unsorted moving boxes and still does.
Now they are settled in there with wall-to-wall belongings and I don't need to go into detail about the rest of our shared space.
Well, I finally found a job that I could be in long-term. So I reported the income change to a local agency which provides me with funds for groceries and very basic health care coverage, resulting in those things being taken away because my employer reported that I make a lot more money than I actually do. It's been over a month since that trouble started and I'm still trying to fix it.
In addition, a licensing fee that I'm not responsible for paying was deducted from my paycheck a few weeks ago. When I checked my payslip today to see how much to expect in my account I noticed that I'm not getting payed for last week because for some reason I had to approve my hours again after my manager did and I didn't do that by the payroll deadline.
All of this while I'm recovering from being hit by a car while crossing the street to get to work two days ago. My manager is demanding to know when I'll be able to come back to work and that I bring a doctor's note when I do.
I don't fucking know when I'll be back. I can't do the tasks that my job requires right now. Moving my dominant arm HURTS. I can't wash my hair or dress properly or put together meals.
Nobody's fucking grateful for anything I do and it's never enough. And when I'm moody, there's something wrong with ME.

It's Been A While

I don't know how long it has been since I've last written on this blog but I'd rather not glance at the last thing. Many, if not all, of my posts are quite disturbing and/or depressing. I don't think this one will be so bad. While I'm on the topic of my blog... Why did I have 21 views from Russia on March 27th? That seems incredibly odd to me, even considering it's Russia! Anyway, my life is not awesome right now. It's so unstable. I was diagnosed with Chlamydia a while ago at Planned Parenthood. I have run out of safe excuses to get a ride to or from that clinic so I decided to have the student clinic at UVU get my PP records so that a doctor there can prescribe the treatment. Planned Parenthood legally has 30 days from the date they receive the request for my records to send them. Meanwhile, I'm reeeally uncomfortable and can't have sex!! I'm keeping up in my Excel/Access class but English is bad! A couple weeks ago I was holding a C grade but I feel that I may not pass with a C- by the time final grades are submitted. I have been unable to do any English homework in the past two weeks because I've been dealing with my sister's problems. More on that later. I have an Incomplete grade for Personal Finance from last semester because I was overwhelmed but my teacher understood that I had really tried. Now it is difficult for me to get him to reply to my emails. Besides a giant project for that class, I just have to study up to take some quizzes and tests. I can't go forward with that until I can make arrangements with him to do the tests and quizzes and not worry about the project because that is what is preventing my success! Back to my sister. She moved from Phoenix, AZ to Fort Duchesne, UT in December (2014) with her 4 kids (daughters ages 15, 12, and 9; son age 9). The twins are both autistic. Soon after moving to Utah she announced her engagement to someone we have never met or even knew she was dating. Shortly after, they got married. They lived in a small camper trailer on the in-law's property and one day there was a brawl between my sister and her new sister-in-law. Shit happened. It sucked. My oldest niece (in that clan) even got cut by glass. My sister fled with her kids to our grandmother's house nearby and stayed there (sans husband) for a few weeks before coming down to the area where I live with our mom. That was a little over two weeks ago. She stayed a few nights in a roach motel courtesy of an organization which assists impoverished families and individuals. After that she had to crash in the living room where I am staying for a few nights. She took the kids to visit her husband for a night and that royally pissed off the homeowners so my mom had to pay for an extended stay hotel, where she is now. While she's been down here I have been responsible for her kids, helping her navigate to every government office and apartment/trailer park in the area, and providing her with information on every thing she needs to do (phone numbers, office hours, eligibility requirements, calling places for her)... Those are the big issues that are on my mind. I can't even make plans more than an hour in advance because I just don't know whether or not I'll be needed for something. This thoroughly blows. I guess that was a bit of a rant but there's really nothing good going on in my life. I'm even kinda pissed that suicide is not an option.

They Came From Everywhere

I'm fucking mad. And the worst part is that I'm more mad at my 80-something grandmother than anyone else. She's a saint of a woman who gives me attitude about everything (or so it feels) and throws away things without asking anyone who actually lives here.

She started cleaning out our fridge, to actually wash it but left bins full of yogurt and sandwich meat out on the floor and the meat was barely cool when I found it. Because my dad left us I'm being forced out of my home of 15 years and relatives have come pouring in to help clean and pack our house. Well, apparently that means throw everything away that we probably won't miss. And leave odd boxes of things in halls and doorways.

Nothing But Blood and Tears.

I've got a fresh cut on my arm. I think it's to punish everyone who hurts me.
I had plans to take Jackie with me to a progressive dinner tonight which would be hosted by three of BYU's museums. Tickets were required by free and available at the door. Then I read this morning that tickets were all taken. So I resolved to take Jackie to the Museum of Paleontology during the day instead. Right on!
Mom said we couldn't go until she had a chance to ask my dad if he wanted to take her anywhere today. [me: I don't appreciate her making my present-but-absent dad a priority]. She said we could just go tomorrow if they ended up going out today.
Strike 1.

When we get home from picking up Jackie Dad is showering. And when he's dressed he makes plans with Mom to taker her and Jackie to a buffet where they get an old person discount.
While I'm putting Jackie's freshly brushed hair into pigtails she moves past silly and starts scratching and biting me. I try to insist that her behavior not be rewarded with a trip out with her grandma and grandpa but Mom wrangles Jackie into a coat and out the door saying that I get a break! [me: awww you shouldn't! Seriously, you shouldn't reward her behavior. Make her stay home!]
Strike 2.

I proceed to turn over the end table next to me that is covered in hair accessories and who-knows-what. As I storm off, I have to go back to get my iPad and jacket (with phone in pocket) and take the liberty of knocking over Jackie's little plastic lawn table covered in plastic food. At the landing by the front door is Jackie's little backpack of toys and snacks, so that has to be thrown, too.
Once in my room I slam the door, lock it and start crying aggressively on my bed and grab a razor from the top drawer next to my bed and push the razor hard into my arm. Of course that does diddly squat so I cut myself properly and then again in the same line to get some blood.
I'm crying so hard and it isn't even cathartic. I'm just angry and messed up and there is no way to help people treat me better. Anyone who knows me can attest that I'm kind and giving and warm and loving. So why the hell doesn't the Golden Rule work here? Did I forget to sign up for that plan in Heaven? Did I miss open enrollment?

Shortly after I stopped crying, and while writing this entry, my brother came down.
"I couldn't help but overhear, with my ear to my door, that you yelled something about scratching and biting. Is there blood?"
"Not from Jackie."
"Are you okay? Do you need a noogie machine?"
"For Jackie?"
"Yeah."
"...doesn't matter..."
"Okay, let me know if you need anything."

So then I started crying all over again, because I love my brother so much. Despite his lack of affection, he really does love me.

I can't believe people in my condition can't get proper care.
See this great article from Cracked.com about what's wrong with America's mental healthcare system.

Homicidal with a side of Calm

2pm: Catherine asks me to take her dog for a few months. My dad was never fond of taking in visitors, even before his worst changes. My mom wouldn't even weigh in on the dog issue and suggested that I could at least ask my dad. 
2:10: Gently, gingerly, explain to my dad that a long-time friend needs me to take her dog for a couple months. 
"No," he butts in before I get any farther. 
"But you didn't even hear the details." I contest. "It will stay outside except at night when it goes in a kennel and she's paying for everything it needs." 
After some silence, "Well?" I probe. 
"Are you done?" he confirms. 
"Yeah." 
"No." 
"Why not?" 
"No." 
"So you don't have a reason?" 
"We're conversing and I didn't want that!" 
"You say you love us but you really don't show it." 
"I'm done." And he leaves in a huff (after pushing through my legs to get past the desk). 

I recounted the conversation to my mom and stressed that he needs to be taken into treatment against his will or at least have a family intervention. She doesn't support that idea. 
I ran downstairs crying and took away the power cable and Ethernet connection from my dad's computer (when he left he took laundry to the laundromat because he refused any sort of solution to our broken washing machine), then warned my mom to prepare for Hell. She asked what was wrong and I screamed in my rare demon voice (just sounds that way because I was so loud and angry), "Nothing! We have perfect fucking lives!" I proceeded to slam my bedroom door, lock it and lose my shit (tears, hair pulling, snot nose, uncontrollable sobbing noises). 
My mom came downstairs to check on me and apparently only cared that I try to hurt myself. 
I kept screaming at her to go away. I don't even remember the conversation. It is now 2:50pm. 

While she was running errands this morning I sent her a cute "I miss you" text and she just barely got it after all the screaming!!! She replied "I miss you, too. Want me to come talk to you?" 
I ignored the message and she came down anyway so I had to explain that I sent that while she was gone this morning!!!! 

I don't know what Dad is going to do when he sees that I have interfered with his cozy hidey hole. Heaven forbid he have a conversation that he's not comfortable with!

I want to kill my dad, then Mom will get Social Security survivors benefits and I can take care of Catherine's dog. 
AND YET I still can't get inpatient help for myself. Not in Utah, anyway. 

Not Really A Merry Christmas

I'm feeling homicidal. I don't wanna kill just anyone. It would have to be *Petrov.
I intentionally overdosed on Klonopin (my as-needed anxiety medication). I only have a couple pills left now and no refills. I don't have a doctor right now so hopefully the next kook I see will give me a prescription for them.
I'm listening to The Used now on iHeartRadio. Except "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance just came on but I like it so no problem. I forgot stations weren't strict to their artists.
I'm going to draw a scary picture or two. Art therapy, right? I really need to find a new place to help me with my mental illnesses. FUCK INSURANCE NOT COVERING MENTAL HEALTH CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And FUCK MY SCHOOL'S STUDENT HEALTH PROGRAM FOR NOT HAVING ADEQUATE SUPPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUCK THE INCREDIBLY LIMITED AVAILABILITY OF INPATIENT CARE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last time I went to the ER with suicidal and homicidal plans they sent me home with nothing but empty promises. If I cut myself up right now it would only upset my family and friends and hospital workers would just suggest I call the CRISIS line next time or hitchhike my fat ass to the CRISIS center in Provo.
"Merry Christmas you fucking tart."

Let's see if I can poop out some scary therapeutic drawing. Wish me luck, I guess.

Fucking Paradise

I have to tell myself that self injury will not do a blessed thing to improve my situation. Then again, I have control over the method, severity, etc if I hurt myself. I have control over so little in my life, with no car or license, no job, no "dependents" or significant other, or pets.
I have no control over how my dad treats his family, myself included. I can't even decide on the most adequate adjective for him.
How do I even process my emotions?

#$%&^%!@*^@%&*%$##!@**^$@!@#%&*(**&&^%^@!@$^*%^#^##@@#

I can't fucking process it!

More later.



Maybe.

Same Shit, Different Day.

Popping prescriptions and hoping I don't end up on the bathroom floor before my shift is over! I am ONE single "attendance event" away from losing my job here. I'm already sending my resume elsewhere but no replies yet. Is this anxiety problem gonna be fixed by working somewhere else or will I be a manic freak wherever I go? I have my therapist to thank for the instability. She hasn't been available to honor her commitments to me for the past 2 weeks.

Down, Down, Down

My therapist wouldn't see me today. She said I wasn't on her schedule. My appointment card contradicts her but I was upset that she wouldn't even deny me in person. I ate a small Oreo McFlurry to spite her. And a really crappy cheese burger.

Today is my day off but I'm working 5 hours to make up for time I missed earlier this week due to an anxiety attack. I'm scared that I'll fall apart at work and get suspended or fired.

Oh, Mother.

My mother woke me up this morning to ask how I was feeling. "Still sick" was my irritated reply.
Her follow-up was "Are you going to work?" That was far more bothersome. Just yesterday she expressed her concern that I had been missing too much work, which had only one real consequence to me, and that was a smaller paycheck. To her, though, she not only worries that I won't be able to afford the $200/mo rent that I pay, but that my employer will fire me for missing so much work. I realized recently that my income is roughly the same as my mom's and dad's combined. Their only income is from retirement, social security, unemployment.
So my mother has three consistent concerns with my life: money, men, and mass.
I just have to clarify that I wanted to use an M word for fatness/obesity and that's what I came up with.
Yesterday while en route to my Weight Solutions group at WMH I tried to open up to her about a guy that I have been emailing. The first question she always asks is whether he's LDS. That seems to be all that matters to her. I tried to tell her that religion does not make a man but she wholeheartedly disagreed.
There's so much I can't tell her. She's too closed-minded to not be offended and heartbroken.
I ran out of words. Bye for now.

condescending

My mother really picks at me sometimes. Well, often.
There are two main issues that she gives me a lot of... "encouragement" about. I say that so carefully because I know she must mean well but the things she says actually make me feel terrible and resentful.
Today we got on the topic of my church non-attendance because I had neglected to pay tithing from my most recent paycheck and told I would try to pay it with my next check.
It surely struck her as appropriate to nag at me to attend meetings at the local singles ward to find my soul mate. She doesn't care too much for me meeting guys online. After all, they're not LDS! Oh, and they could be creepers, too.
I am more active in the LDS church than any of her other five children so why can't she just be thankful for that? She doesn't even know that I'm bisexual, sexually active, or have no aversion to getting a second, third or fourth tattoo!
On another note, she's incredibly judgmental about my weight and food choices.
I eat a lot of junk, I've gained a lot of weight. I GET IT. She doesn't want to see me activating the diabetes that is likely lingering in my body somewhere.
I already feel bad enough about binging and not being able to wear 90% of the clothes I own. If I had any need to please my mother I'd have a severe eating disorder by now.


I wonder if she's noticed that my last period was in March. Yeah, it concerns me. At this point I chalk it up to my weight, and a little bit to the stress of my job, life, etc.


This is where I'll cut off my post today.
Actually, I'm starting a new group therapy that focuses on making behavioral/cognitive changes to support weight loss. I mayyy keep you posted on that.

confession

I talk in pink and this other guy talks in blue.


Friday, May 18th, 2012

I found out recently that you had been pursuing another woman and that crushed me

Oh, referring to my Facebook post?

Yeah

ok.

If that's all you have to say, I'm going to sleep

What am I supposed to say?

It doesn't matter, because, I'm asleep now.

Why are you so determined to be with me?

Zzzzzzz

Whatever. Forget I messaged you. Is not like you haven't been looking for other people too.

I've been looking because I know I can't be with you

Then stop bring all butt hurt...you're so damn clingy...

I will cut you bitch

No, you won't.

And now Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012

Do you feel better after threatening me?

I would never really do that. I've never threatened anyone before. I'm sorry about that.

Sure

:'(

I won't date you

I knew that long before I was homicidal

Ok

I need Monopoly back, btw

K

Enjoy fooling around with your friend that gives you stds

The reason I'm telling you this, is that tonight I took a too-hot bath and was afraid to ever get out because I thought it very possible that I'd frantically search for my razor blades when I got back to my room.

I think I'm just too exhausted for all that nonsense tonight.

Also, I think I could benefit from some inpatient time at my local psychiatric hospital but I'm 9 months short of qualifying for personal or medical leave at work.

What's the term for having the desire to cut another person's face to ribbons with a broken Sprite bottle? That's not the sort of thing I'd post on Yahoo! Answers. 

save me from me

I am currently experiencing a nearly-overwhelming desire to injure myself.
Apparently while I was busting my butt troubleshooting problems with Apple customers today, my family was tearing apart my room from floor to ceiling to make room for my CRT television to be taken out. By making room I mean, clearing a path to the tv from the door by throwing everything into a pre-existing pile of junk.
When I got to my room after making an after-work snack I barely had time to set my food down before freaking out and throwing a justifiable tantrum. I started throwing things into the hall then slammed my door very loudly and locked my door.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" hollers my mother.
"Does it sound like I'm okay?!" I reply.

And the parental figures start apologizing and making excuses and passing blame. When I keep yelling at them they say goodnight and go back upstairs.
Then?
Then I yelled "I will NOT have a good night! You messed with my shit!!"

I'm not sure if they heard that or not but no one has been available to sooth me.
I'm so utterly pissed.
I want to show them how seriously upset I am by staying locked in here all day tomorrow but I can't miss work... ughh.

There's too much going on.

My favorite sister(also the only one I'm currently on speaking terms with) is trying to move up here from Phoenix with 4 kids and 2 dogs and no financial setup to speak of. And everyone is relying on me to find her somewhere affordable to live.

Is it time to die yet?

thblablah..

I need to get this out. It's supposed to be therapeutic, right? I've been holding onto these thoughts for days, possibly weeks. Also, I've been neglecting my blog. Even though nobody reads it, it's still good to record stuff. Journaling and all that shiz.

Anyway, lately my mom has been inadvertently making me feel like worthless crap. I don't remember exactly when I started gaining weight but I'm 211 now. Ideal for my height is 150. I'm clinically overweight by all definitions. It shows terribly in my stomach, thighs, and arms(shoulder to elbow, not elbow to wrist). My cute clothes barely fit(if at all), some clothes fit comfortably, and I've recently acquired some stuff that is big enough to smuggle a Mexican family under. I've started to wonder if my size is why my new beau doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, though he has no problem fooling around and whatnot. GAH! Should I give Steve a chance then? He says he loves me but I've never let myself consider him as a viable mate since he's not LDS and his lifestyle is soo not church-friendly. He's busy, though... always wrapped up in helping someone move or tending to a distraught friend and he works full-time.

Back to my weight problem. I can't stop eating. My addiction(or whatever the hell is wrong with me) seems to be getting worse. I feel accomplished if I can make a pound of Red Vines last two days. I feel good about eating Pay Days because "peanuts are healthy, and there's no chocolate". I took pictures of my head/face last night because I had done my makeup for a night out and it was then that I noticed that I have more fat in my face than before. I still haven't gotten the courage to post them online. Well I suppose this is as good a place as any to start...

 WHY CAN'T I PLACE THEM SIDE-BY-SIDE? (╥﹏╥) I would say that I'm having a rough life... but there are millions dying from diseases in other countries so... I'm rather unhappy about my circumstances! How's that?

I forgot how good it feels to blog, even if no one is reading I love to write.

Effin' Pizzed

I'm listening to my "angry grrrl" playlist on Myspace. I think my music playlists are the only reason I still log in to Mahspace. I can't get the video to go BELOW my words. --_--

Anyway, my mom and I got into mad moods about me dying her hair. So I went to see my friend Shmarah because I just found out she's been really depressed for a long time. It felt great to catch up about her and talk to her about myself. Then I gathered the courage to confront Shmitch about him ignoring me for several months, despite our supposed relationship. I'd like to think that he was terrified to see me when he came to the door. Hahahahahaha!! >:D

I got right to the point. I got the answers that I needed. I told him that I felt that I deserved attention and he said he agreed. Then I reminded him that "I live right over there" if he ever wanted to talk again. Seriously, his next door neighbor shares a fence with our backyard.

I'm upset that he didn't bother talking to me at all for so long and that I had to go so far as to ambush him at home. Tsk tsk.

I think I need to go do some therapy exercises or something.

mobile: Blehh.

I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Freaking Out

My boyfriend is estranged. We haven't spoken in a long time and it's not even because either of us are mad. He's a busy fellow and I accept that.

A few minutes ago I tried to type his name in the search bar on facebook and his name didn't drop down. It was weird but what really bothered me was when I went into an event that we're both going to be attending and next to his name in the "Attending" list appeared a button labeled "Add as friend". That's when I really started to freak out. So I sent him a message, reading "Did you unfriend me? 0.o". And that's it.

Dustin is totally over me and engaged to a girl that I actually kindof approve of. My boyfriend doesn't bother to talk to me and goes so far as to unfriend me online instead of breaking up with me. I'm becoming greatly upset.

I'm supposed to be using a diary card every day to keep track of feelings, urges, etc and skills that I'm practicing to cope with stuff but I'm totally not in the habit and haven't filled anything in since Monday. I suck. I'm gonna get in trouble with my DBT group.

I need a hug.

mobile: Bad Day

I'm so sick of today! But when today ends there's always tomorrow to be horrible...

Apprehensive

1:50pm
I leave in 10 minutes to go to my first ever Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group at Wasatch Mental Health. Most of their groups are open to all clients but this one is invite-only and very seldom has room for new people. I feel fat and worthless though I know deep down that I am a cherished Child of God.
I just realized I have to pee! I'll cut this short and maybe finish when I get home!

4:50pm
Stuffing my face with a Little Debbie Swiss Roll. I'm waiting for my mom to come home with Kenzie and Jackie. They will be staying for about 3 weeks. Mom is picking them up at the Greyhound station now.
I miss Jackie so much. She will be 15 months old on Monday(August 1st). I'm not thrilled about having Kenzie around. She's a typical 16 year old mother. Immature. Feels "entitled" to everything. Wrong ideas about the world and parenting.
Oh, and she's going to be staying in the room across the hall from mine.
I wonder if Jackie will remember me. Or love me. Or be the same sweet child that left us in May.
From the pictures and videos we've seen since then, she is not that same child. Kenzie and her dad(Jackie's other Grandpa) are not so nurturing or careful about what the baby is exposed to as far as television shows, bad language, second-hand smoke, etc. We think that might have affected our sweet Jackie.

I'm sorry if this all sounds whiney or snobby. I don't mean it like that. But this is MY BLOG, after all.

Can I Rant? Why, Yes, I Can.

Don't anyone get their panties in a bunch. This isn't one of those lame rants about how everything sucks and how awful my life is.
I started writing my newest blog entry on loose-leaf notebook paper in my English class this morning but I am feeling far to tired to fetch it from my bag. I'll start over.
I was very frustrated this morning sitting next to/behind some very annoying classmates. They run on idiotically about how much the Twilight series sucks and they like Harry Potter but it's so fake and after our quiz Jock Face stated that it's so much easier to skim the chapters of our book for the answers than it is to actually read the material we're assigned and that he hates his life so much!!! They make me want to run screaming through the halls.
At the beginning of class while we were supposed to be doing a journal assignment the teacher called me out into the hall(doorway as it were). She confronted me about not seeing anything turned in from me when she was grading our papers. I leveled with her that was gonna learn as much as I could in this semester and then try 990(a lower level English course) next time. She understood and encouraged me to still turn in work so that I could get feedback and make progress. She told me I couldn't pass the class without doing all of the work and I let her know that I accepted that.
That conversation was uncomfortable, but I think necessary.

On to better things.
I played "We Thank Thee, Oh God, For A Prophet" for my institute class today and did pretty well!! And after class the regular piano player complimented me :)
It made me feel really good.

I downloaded Insidious last night and invited my buddy Steve to watch it with me. It's not my fault that I love him. It's supposed to be a Horror movie, calling for muchos cuddling.
My love life is becoming super complicated. :( I'm unhappy about that.

I'm also a little frustrated now that I can't find anything "Harry Potter" to wear to the movie on Friday. Whaaaatever.

OH I JUST REMEMBERED!! Plans have been made for Kenzie and Jackie to come stay for a month!! We bought their Greyhound tickets today. JACKIE JACKIE JACKIE JACKIE JACKIE JACKIE JACKIE!! I'm excited to see her again.