It's Been A While

I don't know how long it has been since I've last written on this blog but I'd rather not glance at the last thing. Many, if not all, of my posts are quite disturbing and/or depressing. I don't think this one will be so bad. While I'm on the topic of my blog... Why did I have 21 views from Russia on March 27th? That seems incredibly odd to me, even considering it's Russia! Anyway, my life is not awesome right now. It's so unstable. I was diagnosed with Chlamydia a while ago at Planned Parenthood. I have run out of safe excuses to get a ride to or from that clinic so I decided to have the student clinic at UVU get my PP records so that a doctor there can prescribe the treatment. Planned Parenthood legally has 30 days from the date they receive the request for my records to send them. Meanwhile, I'm reeeally uncomfortable and can't have sex!! I'm keeping up in my Excel/Access class but English is bad! A couple weeks ago I was holding a C grade but I feel that I may not pass with a C- by the time final grades are submitted. I have been unable to do any English homework in the past two weeks because I've been dealing with my sister's problems. More on that later. I have an Incomplete grade for Personal Finance from last semester because I was overwhelmed but my teacher understood that I had really tried. Now it is difficult for me to get him to reply to my emails. Besides a giant project for that class, I just have to study up to take some quizzes and tests. I can't go forward with that until I can make arrangements with him to do the tests and quizzes and not worry about the project because that is what is preventing my success! Back to my sister. She moved from Phoenix, AZ to Fort Duchesne, UT in December (2014) with her 4 kids (daughters ages 15, 12, and 9; son age 9). The twins are both autistic. Soon after moving to Utah she announced her engagement to someone we have never met or even knew she was dating. Shortly after, they got married. They lived in a small camper trailer on the in-law's property and one day there was a brawl between my sister and her new sister-in-law. Shit happened. It sucked. My oldest niece (in that clan) even got cut by glass. My sister fled with her kids to our grandmother's house nearby and stayed there (sans husband) for a few weeks before coming down to the area where I live with our mom. That was a little over two weeks ago. She stayed a few nights in a roach motel courtesy of an organization which assists impoverished families and individuals. After that she had to crash in the living room where I am staying for a few nights. She took the kids to visit her husband for a night and that royally pissed off the homeowners so my mom had to pay for an extended stay hotel, where she is now. While she's been down here I have been responsible for her kids, helping her navigate to every government office and apartment/trailer park in the area, and providing her with information on every thing she needs to do (phone numbers, office hours, eligibility requirements, calling places for her)... Those are the big issues that are on my mind. I can't even make plans more than an hour in advance because I just don't know whether or not I'll be needed for something. This thoroughly blows. I guess that was a bit of a rant but there's really nothing good going on in my life. I'm even kinda pissed that suicide is not an option.

save me from me

I am currently experiencing a nearly-overwhelming desire to injure myself.
Apparently while I was busting my butt troubleshooting problems with Apple customers today, my family was tearing apart my room from floor to ceiling to make room for my CRT television to be taken out. By making room I mean, clearing a path to the tv from the door by throwing everything into a pre-existing pile of junk.
When I got to my room after making an after-work snack I barely had time to set my food down before freaking out and throwing a justifiable tantrum. I started throwing things into the hall then slammed my door very loudly and locked my door.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" hollers my mother.
"Does it sound like I'm okay?!" I reply.

And the parental figures start apologizing and making excuses and passing blame. When I keep yelling at them they say goodnight and go back upstairs.
Then?
Then I yelled "I will NOT have a good night! You messed with my shit!!"

I'm not sure if they heard that or not but no one has been available to sooth me.
I'm so utterly pissed.
I want to show them how seriously upset I am by staying locked in here all day tomorrow but I can't miss work... ughh.

There's too much going on.

My favorite sister(also the only one I'm currently on speaking terms with) is trying to move up here from Phoenix with 4 kids and 2 dogs and no financial setup to speak of. And everyone is relying on me to find her somewhere affordable to live.

Is it time to die yet?

Albuquerque day 7 [imported from Myspace]

I got up around 1pm today and Anthony was already gone to work.
Kimberly was asleep on the couch and Ryan was on the other couch watching something on t.v. I went back into the kitchen and chopped up a banana and sprinkled it with sugar for breakfast. Also had some Doritos.
I just watched t.v. with Ryan until I felt like getting my Wheels & Cheese for lunch. I ate every single noodle which is probably a first for me. I topped it off with the last two Twinkies.
While watching t.v. I finished another letter to Dustin which will get sent tomorrow morning. During that time that I was writing it he called me and we got to talk to for almost 3 minutes at best. He says that his mom might come out for graduation along with his brother Craig.
I guess I'll have to talk to everyone and see what we're going to do.
It's not that I don't like Myrna and Craig, it's just that I don't want to be stuck with them from Orem to Fort Benning and for the whole time we're there plus going home.
I talked to Karlee briefly about it and she doesn't seem fond of the idea either. I wrote in my letter to Dustin that I would talk to everyone and figure something out. By the time I get home and have internet access again I'll have exactly 3 weeks to get everything planned.
After tonight I'll have almost 3 full days left here.
Earlier I was saying that I'm afraid to go home but now I am eager. Somehow I feel like I'm wearing out my welcome, ya know?
Eric says that the upstairs at home is looking very clean(finally) but the downstairs is a disaster! Yikes. The more stress I have at home the more I wish I could get an apartment a.s.a.p. But I'm making myself wait until Dustin gets home because he definitely should have a say in where we live. It's gonna be a rough 8 weeks.

Something I've been thinking about is those birth control pills. Like whether I should start taking them whenever I can so that Dustin doesn't have to deal with any side effects or wait until he can help me choose one, which also is another way of proving my fidelity for him. If I start before he comes home then he might think that I'm doing something I shouldn't be.
Also, Dustin swears he sterile. Like the only way that I could possibly get pregnant is by getting worked over by another man. :/
That won't happen.
I'm kindof glad that we can have sex whenever we want and not worry about other forms of protection but there would be something so sexy about him being able to get me pregnant.

My mom told me to keep in touch while out here but she hasn't called even once! On Wednesday morning I need to call and see who is picking me up from the airport.

Well, it should be easy for me to be asleep by 1am today. I've got a stomach ache right now. I guess I've been eating too well. And I'm dreadfully tired.

When I married Dustin I didn't even consider the cons of being an Army wife. I figured I'm not really making a huge sacrifice; that it's Dustin doing this great thing and not me. I was always kindof confused when people told me how good it is that I'm doing this and I didn't understand until after he left how huge of a sacrifice I really had to make.

Okay, I'll go to bed at 1:30am... I'm watching a show on G4 called Wired For Sex. Each episode highlights advances in sexuality. It's all I can (innocently) do to settle down my sexual desires. Dustin will take care of me when he gets home. =]
Goodnight for now.